How to Give Each Other Space

 

 

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We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion. ~ Author Unknown Paradoxically, relationships that seem perfect and in which the couple does everything together are at great risk of failing.[1] It is human nature to end up feeling imprisoned by the sense of being permanently glued together and always having to rely on one another for a source of fulfillment in everyday life. To be whole, it is important for all of us to feel autonomous as well as attached. To avoid this "benign" trap of habit that leads to over-reliance on one person, it is important to recognize the over-attachment and to talk honestly and supportively with one another about practical and positive solutions that will allow both of you the room to grow individually within a partnership.

Steps

1. Recognize the warning signs. Do both of you do everything together? Is every moment of your spare time taken up with following one another around to the point where neither of you really knows who suggested what but you're both doing it all the same? Or, maybe there are more negative feelings, such as possessiveness, clinginess or jealousy involved?[2] Ultimately, do you feel a sense of suffocation in your relationship; or a lack of direction or overwhelming fog whenever you try to think of doing things without your partner?
2. Check that you are not involved in a relationship of codependency. Codependent relationships are not much fun. In fact, they are about intensity, perfectionism and taking oneself and one's relationship too seriously. There is a sense of controlling one another and dire mutual need for each other that comes about from such previous problems as an emotionally traumatized upbringing, a fear of losing people or simply not having much sense of purpose in one's own life and replacing that with another person. Basically, those in a codependent relationship feel an inability to "stand alone" and are trying together to complete a whole from two broken halves.[3] If you do feel this is the underlying problem, both of you may need to seek professional assistance, as together it is likely you will only continue this needy behavior without neutral, outside intervention. Part of the recovery process for a couple in a codependent relationship is learning to lighten up, have fun and play together and apart.[4]
3. Talk it over. Bake some cookies and make a cup of tea or coffee. Sit down together somewhere peaceful and tell your partner you need to have a positive heart-to-heart chat. Use a calm voice and be very friendly. Start the discussion with your partner by telling them how much you love them and how grateful you are for this person being in your life. Then proceed to discuss in a kind but frank fashion that you believe that the healthiness of your relationship is dependent on both of you being able to grow as independent people as well as together in a couple. Basically, you are suggesting that the happiness of both you requires letting a little air into each other's lives in ways that can only enhance your loving relationship. Ways to help you include:
   • Avoid blaming, never say "you this, you that" and always voice it with "I" statements and talk about goals, healthiness and not about things that are going wrong between the two of you. See How to Practice Nonviolent Communication.
   • Make it clear that this is about ensuring that you return to being the individual that they fell in love with at the beginning; that you are losing a sense of this person and want to be yourself again.[5]
   • Paint them a picture of how expanding your horizons as individuals will enable your "coupledom" to flourish when the two of you share personal discoveries. Use the metaphor by psychotherapist Wendy Allen of both of you paddling your own canoe, side by side, rather than the same canoe together; she says that space apart helps to ensure that each person carries a cohesive and whole sense of self that strengthens the sense of togetherness.[6]
   • Try defining what you mean by "space". This can alleviate a lot of the potential for fear and resentment if your partner understands what you mean by giving each other space. Knowing what type of space is sought means that it can more readily be accommodated and is less likely to result in friction. For you, space might be (among other things):
     • Leisure time
     • Quiet time
     • Working space
     • Emotional space
     • Financial space[7] See How to Take a Healthy Approach to Finances in Your Relationship.
4. Explain to your partner that other people should always be a part of your lives. Relationship counselor Anne Hollonds notes that it is a fatal mistake to assume that being a couple will fulfill each other's needs completely.[8] Say that you want to, and encourage your partner to, spend more time with those friends who are missing both of you and so that both of you are refreshed by this new stimulus. In many cases, it's likely that your friends and your partner's friends don't mix; that's okay, it is about getting out and enjoying your friendships and trusting one another. It's easier when it's about same-sex friends; just don't address the thornier issue of opposite sex friends until both of you have explored same-sex friendship space. For now, ways in which you can help one another grow through spending time with others include:
   • Arranging for partner-free evenings;[9]
   • Letting friends come over and take over the basement, the ping-pong room, the TV room, wherever and the other partner either clearing out or staying in another part of the house (you can always edit wikiHow all night!);
   • Trusting a partner to go on a weekend fishing trip or a Las Vegas weekend with their friends; go and book into a spa or golf weekend to treat yourself during such a break from one another to prevent yourself from moping and bringing down your side of the bargain.
5. Ask that you be soulmates and not cellmates. Both of you need to work on inner fears that might arise concerning rejection, insecurity, fear of loss, resentment and mistrust - reassure your partner that you are committed to them and that you are simply asking for them to be committed to the evolution of your relationship into a stronger and more sound place than you feel it is now. And both of you must work together to reach compromises that work both ways.
6. Take time to pursue your own interests. Make a deal with your partner that it is time for both of you to reclaim personal space and pursue your own interests and hobbies some of the time. A good target would be to gradually increase time spent apart to about a quarter of your leisure time on a regular basis but the breakdown is really up to you as an individual, as well as reaching a compromise as a couple. Nobody said this was meant to be easy!
7. Break out of the mold as a couple. This means doing independent things while sharing an activity as a couple. It may be scary at first but this can be both incredibly liberating and can also prove to each other that in independence neither of you has anything to fear, only room for more admiration and love to grow. Suggestions for acting independently as a couple include:
   • Sitting apart from one another at dinner parties.
   • Networking at parties while not hanging off one another's arms. Kiss "good luck" at the door of a soirée and occasionally meet each other's eyes with loving looks during the night but really enjoy the company around you. Fill one another in after the event on all the thrilling gossip you've both picked up during the night! And there is nothing more exciting than seeing the looks of surprise and yearning in other people's faces when they realize how solid a couple you are and yet how liberated too!
   • Going to the same vacation but doing different activities. You go skiing while he goes snowboarding. You go swimming while she goes surfing. You're both in the same general vicinity but you're giving each other breaks. Meet for meals and occasional joint activities. Or sandwich it - separate activities at either end with a shared long hiking trip in the middle. You get the drift.
   • If children are involved, give one another time out from caring. Make sure these breaks come with no strings attached. Time off to enjoy oneself is just that; both of you recognize the other deserves this space.
8. Reassure your partner. Tell your partner that adjusting space for optimum growth of both individuals and the couple is an ongoing need in all relationships. Successful couples are prepared to readjust distance between one another - both when getting too close and when moving too far apart.[10] Reassure your partner that if they feel you are pulling away too much, all it takes is to tell you this and you will stop, drop everything and listen to your partner's concerns. Also reassure them that this is not about wanting permanent space from your partner; it's about allowing for "growth space" as you continue to share your lives and love together. Naturally, during times of illness, distress or other difficult situations, the relationship needs change and you will both be strong enough to move with this and make additional adjustments as needed.

Tips

• This must be a friendly, caring discussion; don't go into such a discussion with a chip on your shoulder about your wants and needs, or repressed anxiety, or a general seriousness about "our relationship has to be like this or else" that really serves as an ultimatum. These types of negative approaches will simply give rise to fears of rejection and will cause the conversation to be filled with self-defensive tactics that will not change anything.
• If partner doesn't seem to understand, or expresses anxiety, do not say "it was just a thought" and drop it. Discuss why there is anxiety about your overly close relationship and gently show why things need to change to ensure that your relationship will keep strong. If you give up quickly, it will be near impossible to ever change things as both of you will recognize an unwillingness to reach to the root of the problem and unfurl the knots.
• Having opened the door, you should accept your own advice, and not get picky or nag about your partner's new private time. If this bothers you now, think it through in advance; you cannot have your cake and eat it too. You must be prepared to forgo nagging suspicions about your partner's activities; this is an exercise in loving trust. Remember the well-known saying by Richard Bach: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.
• When things start to get better under your plan, resist pointing it out to your partner -- nobody wants anybody grading their life. If your partner volunteers a new found happiness, agree that this is making your relationship a happier and more stable one. Do not dwell, however, for the secret to relationships after solving the challenges is to keep them going with positive, unspoken understandings. Keeping relationships under a microscope both causes and is, in itself, relationship pathology.

Warnings

• If partner is seriously opposed to you opening up your lives, it's time to look at your whole card and consider ending the relationship. Only you can decide which is more important: the promise of eventual boredom, or having your partner remain in your life.

Related wikiHows

• How to Stop Being Needy
• How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
• How to Avoid Being an Obsessive Girlfriend
• How to Tame a Free Spirit

Sources and Citations

1. ↑ WebMD, Suffocating in a Relationship? - citing Christopher Knippers: "[W]hen two people assume all their needs are going to be fulfilled through each other, the relationship is set up for disappointment, and ultimately failure."
2. ↑ Peter Griffiths, 1993, People in Relationships Need Space
3. ↑ Mr Stone, Co-depedent Relationships
4. ↑ Allaboutcounseling.com, Codependency
5. ↑ WebMD, Suffocating in a Relationship?
6. ↑ WebMD, Suffocating in a Relationship?, quoting Wendy Allen.
7. ↑ Sheri & Bob Stritof, When You or Your Spouse Desire More Space
8. ↑ Women24.com, Relationship Wreckers, quoting Anne Hollonds.
9. ↑ Women24.com, Relationship Wreckers
10. ↑ Peter Griffiths, 1993, People in Relationships Need Space

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